Over the past several months we’ve catalogued lots of useless things here on the site (serial killer art, SNL’s black dudes, rock stars who died at age 27), but few of them have been as fun as our current venture: reviewing Paris Hilton’s paramours. Paris loves men, there’s no doubt about it. And what better to over analyze than this annoyingly gorgeous gaggle of man meat. But before we begin, here are a few words from Paris herself about the kind of dudes she digs:

“I like guys who are hot and funny and sweet and loyal and honest, and don’t lie or cheat on you — mostly someone who will make me laugh cause I love to laugh. My friends keep telling me I don’t have one type of guy, I have had so many types of boyfriends. I like all kinds of guys, they just have to be hot!!! Since all smart women know that men are just really desserts — not the main course — why have only one — when you can have many?”

So without further ado, and in alphabetical order, a (partial) list of the men who have had the resources required to spend a night at the Paris Hilton:

Name: Nick Carter
Occupation: Backstreet Boy
Fun fact: Carter was arrested for drunk driving in 2005.
That’s hot-o-meter: Antarctica
Verdict: What could be less cool than telling your friends you’re banging a Backstreet Boy? Telling your friends you’ve been videotaped banging a Backstreet Boy.

Name: Jamie Kennedy
Occupation: Comedian
Fun fact: Posed as his own manager, Marty Power, who over the telephone, attracted the attention of real agents and managers who helped him launch his career.
That’s hot-o-meter: Iceland
Verdict: Their relationship lasted about as long as “Son of the Mask” was in theaters. (alternate punch line: Paris refers to this portion of her dating life as “The Jamie Kennedy Experiment.”)

Name: Paris Latsis
Occupation: Greek shipping heir
Fun fact: Paris’ real last name is Kasidokostas.
That’s hot-o-meter: South Beach
Verdict: The dude has a Guns ‘N’ Roses tattoo. And his name isn’t Slash or Axl.

Name: Stavros Niarchos III
Occupation: Kite boarder (don’t worry, we don’t know what that is either)
Fun fact: Once paid a homeless man $100 to dump a soda on himself
That’s hot-o-meter: Idaho
Verdict: You should never date a man prettier than you are.

Name: Rick Salomon
Occupation: Amateur filmmaker
Fun fact: Was once married to Shannen Doherty.
That’s hot-o-meter: Cancun
Verdict: Yeah, like you haven’t seen the sex tape.

Name: Jason Shaw
Occupation: Pretty boy
Fun fact: Majored in History at the University of Chicago.
That’s hot-o-meter: Sao Paulo
Verdict: Gee, how original, dating a Tommy Hilfiger model. What’s next, dating a blogger?

Name: Simon Rex
Occupation: Actor / ex-MTV VJ
Fun fact: Started his career stroking his wang in gay porn flicks.
That’s hot-o-meter: Phoenix
Verdict: Um, the dude was a gay porn star.

Name: Deryck Whibley
Occupation: Singer / guitar player for pop punks Sum 41
Fun fact: Paris was once Deryck’s date to the UK’s Kerrang! Awards.
Hot-o-meter: Pluto
Verdict: C’mon, who’s more punk than Paris? Oh right, Whibley’s new lady, Avril.