What you are witnessing is real. The participants are not actors. They are actual bailiffs with litigants to protect in a civil court. All bailiffs have agreed to dismiss their real badges and have their characteristics discussed here, in our forum: YuppiePunk dot org.

Show: “The People’s Court”
Bailiffs: Rusty Burrell (1981-1993); Josephine Ann Longobardi (1997-2001); Davy Jones (2001); Douglas MacIntosh (2001-Present)
Fun fact: Rusty Burell, who served under Judge Wapner, was the bailiff for the infamous Manson trial in the 1960’s; Current bailiff Douglas MacIntosh has parlayed his success into recurring roles on the daytime soaps “One Life to Live” and “All My Children.”
Verdict: All hail Rusty Burrell, king of the judge show bailiffs (Sorry Douglas!).

Show: “Judge Joe Brown”
Bailiffs: “Miss Holly” Evans (1998-2006); “Miss Sonia” Montejano (2006-present)
Fun fact: Montejano enforced security for Courtney Love and Winona Ryder’s court cases during her time as a bailiff in Beverly Hills, California. She also endorses a Studio City reality firm.
Verdict: Miss carriage of justice.

Show: “Eye For an Eye”
Bailiff: Former boxer Big Sugar Ray Phillips
Fun fact: The series was once hosted by OJ houseboy Kato Kaelin.
Verdict: Adding “Big” in front of anyone’s name ups the intimidation factor threefold.

Show: “Judge Judy”
Bailiff: Petri Hawkins-Byrd
Fun fact: Hawkins-Byrd and Judge Judy worked together during their pre-TV years, and when the bailiff found out his previous boss had landed her own TV show, he wrote her a note saying, “If you ever need a bailiff, I still look good in uniform.” The judge agreed, and gave him the gig.
Verdict: Richest. Bailiff. Ever.

Show: “Judge Maria Lopez”
Bailiff: Pete Rodriguez
Fun fact: Producers cast one-time firefighter Rodriguez after spotting him working behind the scenes on several NYC-area TV shows including “Ricki Lake.”
Verdict: Usted es un excelente agente judicial.

Show: “Judge Mathis”
Bailiff: Brendan Anthony Moran (1999 - 2002); Doyle Devereux (2002 - present)
Fun fact: The show’s original bailiff, Brendan Anthony Moran, died after falling from a balcony; Replacement bailiff Doyle Devereux appeared in the 1991 John Candy dud “Only the Lonely” as a tuxedo salesman.
Verdict: Bailiffs and balconies don’t mix. Same with bad movies.

Show: “Divorce Court”
Bailiff: Joseph “Joe” Catalano
Fun Fact: Catalano, a 28-year veteran of the San Bernardino County Sheriff’s Department in California, has served under two judges on the show, both Mablean Ephraim and Lynn Toler.
Verdict: Kickass mustache.

Show: “Judge Hatchett”
Bailiff: Tom O’Riordan
Fun fact: O’Riordan received the Medal of Commendation for rescuing a fellow officer who was taking a beating.
Verdict: O’right!

Show: “Judge David Young”
Bailiff: Tawnya Young
Fun fact: Worked as a lieutenant at a Brooklyn small claims Court. “She’s my Costello, and I’m her Elvis,” says the judge. “I’m Jackie, and she’s Norton.”
Verdict: Everbody loves that famous comedy duo Elvis and Costello.

Show: “Christina’s Court”
Bailiff: Renard Spivey
Fun fact: Looks a lot like muscle-bound actor Michael Clarke Duncan.
Verdict: Definitely not related to Gary Spivey.

MIA: Victor Scott, “Judge Alex”; Russel Brown, “Moral Court”

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What the hell is going on around here? First, NOFX go and get a reality show, and then our head just about explodes when Audrina starts talking about the Alkaline Trio on the latest episode of “The Hills.” What, like our Alkaline Trio? Oh right, she works at Epic Records (doing what exactly?), the band’s new home. Weird, but great for the band, who no doubt leapt at the chance to: (a) insert a live performance into their target demo’s most popular show (b) Revel in the ridiculousness that is the girls from “The Hills” in person (c) Revel in the ridiculousness that is the girls’ hills in person. What’s next, an appearance by Against Me! on “The Bachelor?” Here’s the appearance:

Did anyone else notice that the studio “performance” was remarkably well mixed and even seemed to include keyboards? But seriously, thank god Epic sent Audrina down to look after them in the studio. That Josh Abraham guy has no idea what he’s doing in the studio.

In other Alkaline Trio news, the band announced a contest that will allow fans to download a copy of the sheet music to a song off of their forthcoming “Agony and Irony” LP, record their own version of the song (presumably without ever hearing the band’s version), and then post the video of the performance to YouTube. More details available here.

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Bob Mehr has a nice piece in the May 2008 issue of SPIN on one of YuppiePunk World HQ’s all-time favorite bands, The Replacements. To celebrate Rhino’s reissuing of the band’s first four Twin/Tone LP’s (see the sidebar below), the author sat down with Paul Westerberg, Tommy Stinson and Chris Mars to discuss the band’s lasting legacy, their tumultuous end, and the chances of seeing a ‘Mats reunion.

Part of what we’ve always loved about the band was their brashness, their “we don’t give a fuck” attitude, which in all the years since the band’s demise, doesn’t seem to have waned one iota. As evidence, our ten favorite quotes from the article:

On the band’s origins: “That was the thing about the Replacements: We were all nowhere — we came from nowhere, we were going nowhere. And the band gave us something.” -Tommy Stinson

On the band’s first gig: “All I know is that Bob and I were in the basement doing blow, and by the time we came upstairs, Chris [Mars, the band’s drummer] had already been ejected from the premises.” - Paul Westerberg

On the band’s notorious live shows: “I figured out that danger was what people sought. And there was a certain danger that we were capable of that wasn’t your usual thing about destruction, or ‘We’re going to hurt you.’ It was: What if we get up there and played a song by Hank fuckin’ Williams.” - Westerberg

On the death of original guitarist Bob Stinson: “I think of him every single day. Mainly ’cause I got a ringing in my left ear from having him blasting away next to me all those years.” - Westerberg

On their shot at major success: “When it came our turn, we visited the record distributors and met with the radio programmers and did all of that stuff. But, in the end, we just felt like we had to piss on the guy’s shoe. Look, we got to the party. But instead of embracing it, we huddled together in the corner and said, ‘Fuck it — let’s get out of here.’” - Westerberg

On the commercial aspects of the band’s last few albums: “The goal became simplistic and unrealistic, which was to have a hit. And that’s where we died. We weren’t made of the stuff that makes popular music. The fact that we came up short is the thing that’s kept us interesting. We’ve retained the mystique. And I don’t know how, ’cause goddamn it, we tried. We tried to have hit records there at the end. And someone was looking for us that we didn’t.” - Westerberg

On the state of his relationship to Tommy Stinson: “The answer to the million dollar question is yes, when Bob died, something died in me and Tommy, and we’ve never been the same since. And it’s always been awkward, and it’s always been unsaid and unsayable and strange and weird between us.” - Westerberg

On aging: “When I listen to those first few records, I hear myself, and that guy is closer to being born than I am to his age right now. And I think, ‘Could I go out and do that again?’” - Westerberg

On a possible reunion: “I told Tommy, ‘Let’s have auditions. Let’s you and me go onstage and play 25 songs, and we’ll have a different guitarist and drummer come up for each song, and that’ll be the show.’ That would be the only thing the Replacements could do to keep up the honor of the name, rather go and just cash it in.” - Westerberg

On the future of the ‘Mats: “If Tommy pulled up in my driveway in a flatbed truck with instruments and a band and the songs ready, on the right day, I might hop on and go. If it was this afternoon, I wouldn’t. I’ve gone each and every way with it, and I really don’t know anymore.” - Westerberg

Replacements - “You’re Getting Married (Solo Home Recording),” from Stink
Replacements - “Within Your Reach,” from Hootenany!
Replacements - “Love You Till Friday,” from Sorry Ma, Forgot to…
Replacements - “Perfectly Legal,” from Let It Be

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The ukulele is a four-stringed Hawaiian relative of the guitar. And though its link to punk rock may be limited to the HOFX 12″ and an obscure New York band called Uke til you puke, its sound is tailor-made for the four-chord simplicity of punk. Witness our new obsession: punk rock ukulele. While not all of the below performances will knock your socks off, isn’t it about time these punk rock revolutionaries got out of the their bedrooms and onto the stage?

Check out Gus and Fin, the revolution’s budding stars, doing “What Do I Get” from the Buzzcocks:

We ♥ Max the ukulele punk rocker, for even a couple of spills can’t ruin his version of Fall Out Boy’s “Sugar, We’re Going Down.” And apparently he is too.

Why the Japanese are leading the punk rock ukulele revolution is beyond us, but we’re glad they are. Here’s The Ramones’ “I Wanna Be Sedated” in beautiful broken engrish:

Girls can play too, but apparently they can’t tune their ukuleles. Here’s Ashley Legg doing Blink-182.

Props to JadyLester for proving not all girls are adverse to instrument tuning. And also for her solid version of Green Day’s “St. Jimmy.”

Here we see Mr. Cushing and the Nice Men playing the Voidoids’ “Blank Generation.” Bonus points for running the ukulele thru a distortion pedal. Double bonus points for not being in their bedrooms.

Ok, so Sebadoh aren’t super punk, but the song is called “Skull,” so that should even things out.

Anarchy for the Ukulele.

On second thought, maybe we were wrong about all of this.

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Yes Lauren, we had that same look on our face when we heard the coffee house conversation between brother and sister Spencer and Stephanie Pratt as well. And yes, it is like totally gross. We already knew she was a thief, but we had no idea she was so adept at other things. Sorry, sound sucks, but here you go:

Transcript:
Steph: I swallowed a ball.
Spencer: Isn’t that the point of the whole thing?
Steph: No, you’re supposed to chew ‘em.

Wait, they’re talking about bubble tea? Shit.

And seriously, how crazy is Paula?


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10 John Martz’s yearbook renderings. In Excelsior 1968 he redraws every student from his mother’s 1968 yearbook in cartoony black and white glory. Related: The Liner, in which John Ralston drew all 68 students from the 1925 senior class of Hamline University in Saint Paul, Minnesota, each in about one hour.

9 The SF Weekly’s Lowbrow Art Sale column that highlights limited edition prints each week, like Jonathan Weiner’s “Trance.”

8 Larry Roibal’s blog, where he draws ballpoint pen portraits of the day’s newsmakers on the day’s newspaper.

7 Alkaline Trio’s “Help Me” from the forthcoming “Agony and Irony” is darn good.

6 The 100 Heads Flickr pool, which according to it’s mission statement is about “exploring new ways of representing the human head.”

5 The Poloraid photography of Grant Hamilton makes our heart go pitter-patter. Enjoy it now before all the Poloraid film is gone: “I currently have 77 packs of 600 and seven packs of Time Zero. So, I guess I am a bit of a hoarder.”

4 This Space Needle fight scene from 1974’s “Parallax View.” How did we miss this ultimate piece of Seattle cinema? And wait, where are all the Belltown condos?

3 Jeremiah Palacek’s YouTube inspired oil paintings. Because who doesn’t want Tay Zonday hanging in their living room?

2 Yay, new Cruiserweight.

1 David Lasky’s French New Wave watercolors merge the highbrow with the lowbrow in sweet delight.

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Rollins: Do you like any of the bands on SST? Can you name…
Henry Rollins has been all over the internets lately. First, a 1985 interview with Black Flag surfaced in which a peeved Hank torments the not-punk interviewer for being, well, not punk.

Rollins: Do you like any of the bands on SST? Can you name the bands on the label?
Not punk: Um, not too many.
Rollins: Let’s see how many you know. Go ahead. Ready, set, go.

We’d have pooped our pants for sure if Rollins had buttoned our shirt like that. Also, Bill Stevenson used to be almost skinny. Crazy.

Next, Coop’s ridiculously excellent drawing of the Black Flag hair timeline made the rounds. Click the image for a larger version.

And then of course there’s the Chixdiggit song below, from their 1996 Sub Pop debut, which likely hasn’t been all over the internets at all. But why not!

Chixdiggit - “Henry Rollins Is No Fun”

Did you know?: In the textile industry, a hank refers to a unit of yarn or twine that is in a coiled form.

Other notable Hanks: Hank Aaron, Hank Williams, Hank Williams Jr, Hank III, Hank the Angry Drunken Dwarf, Tom Hanks.

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“Yes, yes, I know. It’s easier to download music, and probably cheaper. But what’s playing on your favorite download store when you walk into it?” Good question Nick Hornby. Considering today is Record Store Day, don’t you iPod elitists think you ought to go down to your local Wal-Mart and buy the new Mariah Carey CD to ensure those pesky mom and pop record shops go out of business once and for all? Who needs culture and expertise and customer service? And as country belle Shelby Lynne points out: “You can’t roll a joint on an iPod.”

Also related, buzz has been building about “I Need That Record” a still-in-the-works documentary about the death of the indie record store featuring appearances by Thurston Moore, Mike Watt, Ian Mackaye and others. Peep the trailer below:

And seriously, find a participating record shop near you and go buy something great. Buy two somethings for that matter. Because a world without mom and pop record stores is too depressing to be a reality.

Other notable events for April 19th:
1927: Mae West was sentenced to 10 days in jail for performing her risque play “Sex.”
1971: Charlie Manson gets life in prison for the Sharon Tate murders.
1979: Kate Hudson is born.
1995: The Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City is bombed, killing 168.
1997: El Duce from the Mentors dies after being hit by a train.

Related: Beware the Ides of March

Whether you love NOFX or loathe them, the band’s staunch independence commands respect. Over the past 25 years, the mostly-jokey, frequently-political, always-drunk punk rock band have made a career out of doing things their own way, and in doing so, helped define the ethics of modern punk. From releasing records to booking tours, the band has never bowed to anyone they didn’t want to. Others have helped them in their cause of course, but generally only like-minded independent entities.

It makes sense then that the band is forging into new territory with their own documentary television series, “NOFX: Backstage Passport,” premiering this week on music cable channel Fuse. Not exactly independent, but not exactly MTV either (Fuse is owned by cable conglomerate Cablevision). What’s the series about? Let the lyrics to the show’s theme song tell you:

Were NOFX, screwing up since 1983
These days we’ve got mortgages and families
So we’re going on a sketchy tour
No country is too obscure
We’re going to drink and golf and fight and snort
We’re NOFX this is punk rock passport

And it’s not much more complicated than that. After growing tired of touring the same boring places year after year, the band set out to play in every country they’d always wanted to visit but hadn’t yet had the chance. They wanted to get back to playing shows the way they used to in their early days — chaotic and exciting. And in hopes of capturing compelling footage for future use, the band brought along some friends to film the whole thing.

“When you play weird crazy cities, crazy s–t is going to happen,” Fat Mike, the band’s leader says as he outlines some of the destinations they’ll be hitting on the extended excursion: China, Peru, Israel, Russia. “This tour is a booking agent’s nightmare,” he adds, before packing his bags (and over-stuffed pill container) and setting sail for Brazil, where the first show of the tour brings the first of many unexpected hurdles.

NOFX are brilliant punk rock marketers, and fans of the band will no doubt gobble this stuff up like they do each of the band’s records, T-shirts and collector’s edition vinyl. The good news about their latest item? It’s free — at least for subscribers to most cable systems. Like NOFX’s live shows, “Backstage Passport” is only partially about the music. Much of the enjoyment comes from simply watching the band, and in this case, their crew, interact with one another. The band’s music, though featured throughout the episodes, isn’t at the center of the series. What emerges instead is a series about the predicaments these guys manage to get themselves into — and even more impressively, out of. So much goes wrong in the first two episodes its hard to believe the madness will be sustainable for an entire series. But isn’t that what people have been saying about NOFX all along?

See a preview:

“NOFX: Backstage Passport” airs Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on Fuse.

RELATED: Q&A: Fat Mike of NOFX

Bamboozle Left Festival review: “Face to Face’s Trever Keith ended his set thus, “This concludes the punk rock portion of the event. Now the boys can put on their sisters’ jeans and poof up their hair.” Plenty of bands here played faster and angrier than Face to Face (and unlike Keith have never had a major-label record deal), so what were his criteria for measuring punkness?” | Source: L.A. Times

“Young@Heart” film review:
“The Clash song is a lusty group cheer, which, interpreted by people of advanced age, could be taken as a stubborn assertion of choosing life over death. “I Wanna Be Sedated,” an extremely catchy song any way you look at it, comes across as an ironic refusal to follow a doctor’s orders and lie back in a medicated haze. Members who suffer from chronic multiple ailments are shown struggling out of sickbeds to attend rehearsals.” | Source: NY Times

Anti-Flag interview: “It does get old having to explain our name means no boundaries, no country, no prejudice and no labels,” said #2. “People think because we’re called Anti-Flag that it means we’re un-American. But it’s the totally opposite.” | Source: Deseret Morning News

Jay Reatard live review: “A performance by the outlandishly prolific 27-year-old from Memphis is sort of like being in a boxing match. Except the rounds seem to never end and there’s no retreating to your corner to catch your breath after a few minutes. Just constant pummeling for about a half-hour. Not even that long, in some cases. The punk-rock onslaught is similar to what the Ramones did 30 years ago and just as timeless. There’s nothing very complicated to his approach: loud, fast, catchy, repeat.” | Source: Washington Post

“Punk Goes Crunk” album review: “When I first looked at the album’s lineup, I thought I would at least be humored by Say Anything’s cover of Ol’ Dirty Bastard’s “Baby I Got Your Money,” but even Max Bemis managed to find a way to disappoint me.” | Source: The Recorder

“Joe Strummer: The Future Is Unwritten” film review: “Though he’s obviously starstruck with the transcendence of his late friend (Joe Strummer died of a congenital heart defect in 2002), director Julien Temple literally creates a party - a bonfire-side chat - to celebrate the founder of punk icon The Clash, and invites people who aren’t all there to praise Caesar. (There’s even a clip of David Lee Roth slagging the man for being too serious.)” | Source: Edmonton Sun

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