Meet four foolish imbibers, all of whom got ridiculously blotto before attempting to operate their motor vehicles. Tell your hardest partying frat boy buddy, he ain’t got nothing on these nitwits. And god bless the tireless team of researchers at The Smoking Gun, forever wasting their parent company Court TV’s money by dumpster diving through public records — with the sole purpose of finding and embarrassing dolts like these. Smoking Gun, we are forever in you debt.

First up, Cloyd Dull, the 49-year old Ohio man who, on the night of his arrest, was apparently out to prove his last name wasn’t a description of his personality. When cops found Dull slumped behind the wheel of his ‘89 Plymouth, his blood alcohol content was measured at .53, five-times the legal limit.

Apparently 30-year old Meagan Harper misunderstood Sammy Hagar’s “I Can’t Drive 55″ to be about the level of blood alcohol content and not the speed limit, which she proved recently by passing out behind the wheel in the parking lot of a pizza joint. Her blood alcohol content? You guessed it: .55.

Bonus points to a teenage Ms. Harper for starring in this 1993 Brooks & Dunn video as “the girl in the shorts.” Be warned: You will only enjoy this video if you’re currently drunk. Which must also explain how Brooks & Dunn selected their sunglasses in this clip.

Ashley Willard III blew a .69 when he was nabbed by police, ranking him second on The Smoking Gun’s all-time drunkest list. Beavis says: “Huh huh, he blew a sixty-nine.”

But our queen of the drunks is Terri Comer, 42, who was taken to the hospital after being found unconscious in her car with a blood alcohol content measured at a staggering .72 — nine times the legal limit. Somewhere up in heaven, John Belushi and Bon Scott are looking down on Ms. Comer and waiting, desperately waiting, that she’ll be up at the pearly gates soon to start partying down.

See also: Drunk of the Week